Setting BOUNDARIES

Being in Control of Your Own Time and Emotions

Are you doing things for yourself, or for others?

If you're like me, and you often find yourself having trouble setting boundaries on your time, then this quote by writer, Jenée Desmond-Harris will probably help:

"I started dividing my to-do list into:

1) things I have to do,

2) things I want to do, and

3) things other people want me to do.

Life changing! I often don’t get to #3 and I finally realised... this is what it means to have boundaries."

Many of us are kind at heart. We will go out of our way to help others. Unfortunately in some cases, this happens at a significant cost to ourselves. Also, because we try to be nice, we will rarely let the other person know just how much that last favour actually cost us, because we don't want to appear petty or be seen as assholes.

It can become an endless downward spiral of disappointment and resentment, which needs to be recognised for what it is, and stopped before it gets out of hand.

I recently took Jenée Desmond-Harris' advice, and decided to look through my current to-do list. For an added comparison, I also went back several years, to a time when I remember being the most exhausted and run down, and had a look at the top dozen or so items that were on my list back then.

What I discovered actually left me speechless.

At least three quarters of the tasks that I remember kicking my ass and leaving me pulling all-nighters, were things that I was doing for someone else. In fact, I remember feeling a strong sense of resentment for a few of these tasks, a feeing which I still carry to this day. The sad thing is that I also remember feeling proud of some of that work at the time, a feeling which was quickly squashed by the negative opinions of the ungrateful parties for whom the work was being produced.

Resentment, disappointment and anger are the last things that anyone should have to feel for anything they put their heart and soul into, especially if the work was done for someone else, and out of the goodness one's own heart.

Of course, if the work itself is rubbish, then that is a different matter altogether and you only have yourself to blame. You should probably take their feedback seriously, and do your best to improve in whichever areas you are lacking.

For everything else, applying the above 3-steps to your to-do list can be very helpful.

The first thing it does, is that it allows you to separate your expectations and sort them into individual categories. You quickly realise that any tasks that others want you to do, should carry different emotional expectations to those tasks which you are genuinely looking forward to doing for yourself. You shouldn't allow yourself to get personally attached to the work, and instead, assume that it will be knocked back at least once.

Second, it gives you a clear overview of just how much of your time you may be spending doing things for others, which in and of itself can be an eye-opening realisation, especially if your time is heavily skewed in one direction or another.

Third, it helps you realise exactly how much you are spending looking after your own needs, as opposed to the needs of others, which may help you figure out why you may be so exhausted all the time. If you are unable to find time for your own needs at the end of the day, then you know that your priorities need to change.

There will be times when some tasks will overlap. You may be looking forward to doing something that you've wanted to do for a long time, but it also happens to be something you're doing for a new client. In these cases it's important to recognise that whatever happiness and excitement you may feel for the task belongs to the "for me" category, and any critical feedback that you receive belongs in the "for them" category.

You may be absolutely thrilled by the outcome - and you should be - but if your client isn't, then it's imperative that you don't allow their opinions to tarnish the positive feelings you have towards the job. In fact, their feedback will often help you do a better job in the future, leading to an even greater feeling of self-satisfaction.

This is why setting boundaries is so important.

It's not just about how much of your time you allocate for yourself and to others. It is also about setting them on how you feel about the work you do, and on how much of someone else's opinions you allow to influence your own emotions.

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Happy shooting!